Eggs of Insomnia

As I lay here unable to sleep, I ponder what it is that will happen to me in the next few weeks. My mind is racing. Only 22 days remain until this huge thing that I have been preparing for will actually take place. I love the anticipation. I love the thought of doing it. I even love the fear I feel inside me for even considering this in the first place. Most of all I love my Savior for giving me this opportunity.

I've been drawn to the story of Esther recently. I even read it to my Sunday School class which is composed of three 16 year old girls. They were mesmerized by it. But what had drawn me to it was the girl, Esther. Here she was, a plain Jewish girl, unmarried, an orphan. And yet God had huge plans for her. He asked her to go somewhere she had never been. She had to stay there for a year to complete certain customs before she was brought before the king. And when she was brought before the king, her amazing beauty pleased him and he put the crown upon her head and made her his queen.

God had given her this beauty so that she could be placed where He needed her to be. A wicked man named Haman had plotted to kill all the Jews. She needed to be in a position that would give her the opportunity to speak directly to the king to keep Haman's plot from coming about. And we all know her famous words "if I perish, I perish." She said this because the king had the power to kill anyone who came before him unannounced or without being invited. She knew she was possibly walking into her own coffin when she went before the king.

I may never know how much courage it actually took for Esther to walk into the king's court and wait for his approval or disapproval. I mean, I'm not going to be killed for doing this pageant. But I'm starting to feel the courage it takes to step out completely on faith to do something the Lord has asked of me.

My mind truly is racing. "Will I be able to answer all the questions?" "Will I be relaxed enough to handle the interviews?" "Or will I choke or freeze when I can't think of an answer?" Well... you know what? ... If I perish, I perish. The outcome of this event is not what matters. What matters is that I am doing it. And I am doing it for the right reason.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." -- Psalm 19:14

That verse has been stuck in my head since before I even started typing. It is the prayer I will be praying the very night of my big event.